A Study On Buffet-goers

Ah, the buffet. That tantalizing array of hot and cold foods that beckons to our most basic need, Hunger. Done up in the most eye-pleasing manner possible, the buffet appeals to our senses of sight and smell, and our desire to quench the hunger demons that demand to be appeased. In keeping with such, the buffet becomes the gathering place for people as varied as the food being offered.

Now, not knowing if any government agency has ever spent millions of taxpayer money to study the phenomenon of buffet attendees, I’ve taken it upon myself to do a little studying on my own. A fascinating pastime that has both entertained and disgusted me. It’s not hard to do, all that’s required is the ability to sit and be observant, which is something I seem to have more than my share of.

Based on these observations, I’ve come up with a few categories that most buffeters fit into and, with your indulgence, I’d like to share them.

Polite Platers (civilizedus eaterus). This group comes to the feeding place with their inborn manners intact. They have adopted the “herd” mindset and stand in line, plates in hand, waiting for their turn. They are secure in the knowledge that the operators will keep the buffet well stocked and there will be no shortage of their favorite foods. Thus, they take a normal-sized portion of each item and return to their table to partake of the bounty. They use their eating utensils as a conveyance of food from plate to mouth. The bites are never too big and are chewed in a calm, cool manner.

Plate Pilers (mileus higherus). While mostly polite and calm, these members have an inane fear that the establishment has not prepared for the influx of diners and it will only be a matter of time before the food is all gone. They tend to overfill their plates, constructing towering masses of food that are the envy of architects everywhere. Elements of this group are distinguished by the characteristic “walking on eggshells” gait as they make their way from buffet to table. This manner of locomotion can be attributed to the need to keep the food towers from toppling.

Onguard Protectors (myfoodus paranoidus). Originally spawned from The Plate Pilers, the Onguard Protectors have developed the trait of paranoia. Identified by a distinctive “hunched over” posture, these individuals encircle their plate with one arm while constantly scanning the area for threats. It is not fully known what has precipitated this fear of having one’s food taken away, but in some members it can be close to obsession.

Quick Shovers (ravenous shovelus). QS take their cue from the clock, believing that the time one spends on eating is wasted. Therefore, copious amounts of food are consumed in the shortest time possible. Easily discernable by the overhand death grip on their eating utensils, the QS will strive to shovel food into an already overfull mouth, followed by quick splashes of liquid to help move things along.

Line Busters (toeus steponus). Exhibiting the same clock-watching trait as the Quick Shovers, Line Busters prefer to save time BEFORE sitting down. Anti-social behaviors are readily observed as LBs tread on the toes of fellow buffeters and use their elbows as people movers. They are often seen going against the normal line flow and possess abnormally long arms as they reach across the entire buffet to secure a particularly choice morsel, oblivious to the fact that their clothing may be dragging through the food in front of them.

Terrible Wasters (shameus onyouious). This is, in my opinion, the most intolerable category of them all. Displaying a complete disregard for manners and decency, these members make it a point to waste as much food as possible. They pile their plates with a variety of edibles and, taking their seats, try a tiny bit. Almost immediately, a look of utter horror and disgust crosses their faces and the plate is shoved aside. Soon after, another trip is made to the serving line and the process is repeated. This is particularly noticeable in those with offspring. Striving to pass on the Waster tradition, the adults heap the plates of their young, completely ignoring the many protests of dislike and taking the attitude of “so what if you don’t like it, you can always throw it away.”

There are many subgroups of each category and members of one will often fit into another. My observations are by no means complete, but I have formed the opinion that we as a society have become numb to the values our ancestors fought so hard to instill in us. Food has become just another disposable luxury, not something we need to live. It never ceases to amaze me how people carelessly toss out food without even pausing to think that some members of the human race are doing without.

Whatever happened to the old adage of “take only what you’ll eat and eat what you take”? I had the “starving people in China” scenario drilled into my head from an early age and I’ve never forgotten it. I am passing this belief down to my two sons in the hopes that they’ll be among the few that carry on the fast dying traditions of good manners and concern for their fellow human beings.